DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
