some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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