She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
