he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
