I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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