His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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