Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
