either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
