Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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