This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
