Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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