i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There's always time for handjobs
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
