my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
