You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
