This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
