My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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