I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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