my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
