HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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