I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
