and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
