If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize