You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
