And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Randomize
