It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
