true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
