god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
