i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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