I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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