closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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