You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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