I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
