If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
