While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
