Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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