My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
