Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
