I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My vagina is officially offended.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
