Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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