This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
