Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's shark week go big or go home
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize