i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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