If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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