And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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