what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
