Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
