Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize