Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
