my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
