My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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