dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize