I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
