no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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