im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
