Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
