Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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