You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
