the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hippo gnu deer
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
